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Monday, November 13, 2006

Show Me the Pussy

There's a psychological effect that happens to a man's body when his home team wins. A long, long, time ago, when men used to go out and do battle, when they would win it would cause a raise in testosterone levels. Now a days, since we no longer "get out and do battle" as we used to in warrior times, men have placed those same emotions and triggers into their respective football teams. So, naturally, when a man's team wins a game, his testosterone levels increase-- and then he thinks it's a good idea to come to my bar and bug the shit out of me.

Last Saturday, State U had a home game and we crushed the opposition. Shortly there after, my bar was full of hopped up men, adorning themselves from head to toe in State U colors and screaming "WOOOOOO" at the top of their lungs every few seconds.

One group, two men and two girls, took a seat at one of my tables directly across from stage one. I headed over to make my greetings and take their drink orders.

"Hi," I said, cheerfully, "what can I get you guys to drink?"

"Are you our waitress," one guy asked, eyeing me up and down.

Like I have, so many times in the past, I bit back the urge to say "No, I'm just some random person trying to make a few extra bucks."

"Yes, yes I am. Can I get you something?"

"You're not a waitress," he insisted, "you're wearing too many clothes."

I knew then that this table was going to be a problem. I finally convinced him that I was, indeed, a waitress, and finally got their drink orders.

I brought their drinks back and set them on the table.

"Hey," one of the guys at the table said, "will they get mad if I start screaming 'show me your pussy?'"

You've got to be kidding me, I thought.

"Yes, that will probably anger the dancers," I replied.

"So, it's not a good idea?" He looked hopeful, as if maybe he could live out this long held desire.

"No, not a good idea if you want to stay in here."

I walked up to the bar and told Raymond what was going on. When I got to the part about showing the pussy, Raymond smiled.

"Hey, why don't you ask him if he would mind if all the dancers started yelling "Little Dick Motherfucker" and pointed at him?"

I smiled, and was about to respond, when I heard CEO's voice come out of the speakers.

"No touching the dancers," he said. "There is no touching allowed."

I cringed, turning, and there was my table, looking perturbed while standing at stage one.

Everyone else made it back to the table, but LDM (little dick motherfucker, for short) still stood at stage one, with a dollar bill in his hand. The dancer on stage was in front of him, dancing, and he was still attempting to put the dollar in her G-string. The charade went as follows: LDM would hold up the dollar, the dancer would dance in front of him. LDM would reach for her, she would stop him and pull away. LDM would still hold on to the dollar.

This is called "teasing the dancers" and it's not a nice thing to do.

I headed over to make him stop when he started back towards the table.

"So," he said, sitting down, "we can't touch the dancers?"

"No, no touching," I squatted down at his chair to put us at eye level.

"Even the girls?" He pointed to the two girls in their party. I don't know why some people think that the rules of the club don't apply to members of the female sex, but they do.

"No, even the girls. There is no touching in here; and it's not just this bar. Touching the dancers is against State law." Usually, this works to defer them from attempting anything else. Usually.

"What about lap dances?"

"They can touch you," I patiently explained, "but you can't touch them."

"What about VIP?" This guy was persistent.

"Same rules apply," I said, looking around the club. I was wasting so much time at this table I was afraid my other tables needed drinks. These guys were already getting on my nerves and I wasn't about to lose any money.

"What if I gave them some extra money?"

"Look," I said, standing up, "there is absolutely no touching in this bar. I don't care how much money you have, or how much you're willing to give away, you will never, EVER, be allowed to touch any of the dancers in this club, OK?"

He looked up at me, pointedly.

"What about you?" He grabbed my thigh when he said the word you.

I slapped his hand away and leaned in, grabbing his chin with my hand until we were practically nose to nose.

"If you want to be able to walk out of here, I suggest you never fucking put your hands on me again," I said, flicking his face out of my had, turning on my heels and walking away.

"I'm done with that fucking table," I told Raymond when I made it back up to the bar. "They can die of thirst before I wait on them again."

Raymond smiled and went back to what he was doing.

Shortly there after I heard CEO's voice again, over the speakers.

"No dancing. Unless you are on that stage there is no dancing allowed in this bar."

I looked over and there were the women from my table of assholes, dancing around with their version of a strip tease. I started to head over when they finally sat down, this time in their boyfriends laps and attempted to give them uncoordinated lap dances.

"It's going to be another one of those nights," I mused to Raymond while debating whether to go over there and make them get up.

"Yeah, but at least you'll have something to write about." He smiled and rubbed my shoulder. "Now go make some money."

21 Comments:

Blogger Tracy said...

Oh waitress, you rock! I love that you aren't afraid to step in and tell that asshole exactly what he was in for, rather than waiting for someone else to ride in and save the day for you. I am not much for the damsel in distress routine, and it sounds as if you aren't much for it either.

http://detourfromsanity.blogspot.com

5:23 PM  
Blogger Savannah said...

Man, that makes me mad.

Don't you ever lose faith in the male gender?

5:39 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

Savannah, frankly, this post makes me feel just as disgusted with the women that were with these men! Women like that give the rest of us a bad name. And people like to put down dancers?? They don't behave as hideously as those women in that party! They may be "showing it off" but they aren't doing it for kicks, they're being paid for it. Those women in that party make them look like just plain sluts.

http://detourfromsanity.blogspot.com

7:05 PM  
Anonymous gypsy_jo said...

hears Chris Rock saying "there is NO SEX in the champagne room!" lol
ahh waitress, would you agree that being ABLE to handle this situation (company perrmitting), leads to far less BS in the long run? by that I mean another potential 1/2 hour of random assholery by LDM & party, then the next announcement, and then the Door guys get revved up... see what I'm saying? long ago it was a power trip to be permitted to handle situations such as this, and then the turds started suing the clubs...you are sooooooooo lucky you still can! U GO GIRL!
GJ

8:11 PM  
Blogger Thy said...

hurrah for waitress!

good thing you're more patient than me.

8:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hurrah! Good to see one of my favourite blogs is active again :D

6:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, love the blog. i was wondering if you could help clear sometime up for me.

My husband and I are having an ongoing "friendly argument" about lap dances. I got one for the first time this weekend and told him he is never allowed to get one again due to the fact that it was way more intense than I expected and there was way more touching (both ways) then I ever thought was possible. Him and his friends agreed that women receive "different" dances that men do. I don't agree.

So, my question is....do men and women (for the same dollar amount) receive different "lap dances"?

8:59 AM  
Blogger Seth said...

Hey Waitress, I'll be sure and post up the links to that awful border collie saga. I freaked out when one of our cats slept outside for one night.

I do think women and men are treated somewhat differently, but it's still lots of grinding and flesh.

1:19 PM  
Anonymous gypsy_jo said...

deffinately different, wife. I'm not saying whats legal where, but generally speaking, myself included, girls take more liberties when dancing for a woman, as opposed to man. Why? um, maybe its because we know the territory far more intimately than a mans? lol...

men act differently than woman do in strip clubs. I've always found that women were far more out of hand than most men. I was never as humiliated as when I saw women close to me become total raving whore psychos with $ bills... if men acted like that in most clubs they'd be out on their butts in a hurry.

GJ

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Waitress, I'm a waitress to in a bar similar to yours. It sounds like guys are the same in most places. Not all guys, just some. I read an earlier comment where someone couldn't believe that the girls acted like they did. I can. There is something about a strip club that makes all sexes to things they wouldn't do in other bars. Good luck.

Thanks for your blog - I'm definitely will continue to read.

9:45 PM  
Blogger can'tthinkofagoodname said...

In regards to the question about different lap dances for men and women I would say yes there are different ones. Namely due to that women and men get stimulated differently. Men are far far more into physical and visual stimulation then a woman is. Note smells and aural stimulation do work on males but not on the degree that physical or visual contact has. So a female dancer if she liked the guy at first glance would give more of a performance. Men can be made to ejaculate by the dancers just by the physical contact. A woman would have had a much more difficult time occuring orgasm or any enjoyment under such situations with a random female dancer.

Also the dancer's sexual orientation can be a factor in how a man and a woman receive a lap dancer. A lesbian dancer would be more aware of how to stimulate the recipeant as well as being more comfortable doing the dance. A lesbian dancer would still give the same quality of dances as a hetero dancer because men aren't that hard to figure out when it comes to physical sexual stimulation.

1:00 PM  
Blogger I am Someone said...

...Methinks we may be in the same state.

3:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two things:
1.) I miss your posts. I know your busy, so I won't ask for more, but you should know-- I MISS THEM!!!
2.) What happened with Jo's dog?

4:05 PM  
Blogger Did You Stop to Think? said...

That whole tease thing is horrible. Everyone should have to work a tip job at least once to know what it's like.

Here's the jig, next time some jackass teases the dancers like that, bring their drinks to the table, then as they reach for them, pull 'em away. Just keep doing it over and over. Maybe they'll catch on. Of course, you won't get much of a tip (I haven't figured that MINOR bug out yet), but then again, do people like that tip much anyway? I'm guessing no.

8:58 PM  
Blogger Michael Z. Williamson said...

My wife and I both stripped in college, and acted as chaperones for each other on calls.

Women behave worse, generally. Much worse. Most men will take the order not to touch. Most women won't.

I did deal with a couple of men like you mention. The problem is they're assholes before the beer. Add beer and it all goes to hell.

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok, "friendly argument" solved. he got a lap dance at same club and had a pretty similar experience as mine.
I suppose they vary more by club than gender, ha!

8:50 AM  
Anonymous gypsy_jo said...

HAPPY TURKEY DAY, WAITRESS!!! (and all her readers!)

how many times have strip club workers heard a dancer say to jack ass' " you need this one dollar far more than I do, so keep it!"
been there :) it always works so much better when they have pals to increase the humiliation quotient. te he te he..

GJ

PS: DOG STATUS: papers served, one call from other side, nothing settled. on it goes.

7:25 AM  
Blogger briliantdonkey said...

Just few comments on the last few posts that I just caught up on.

1)welcome back, good to see you posting again.

2) I am fairly new to your site, but I enjoy it so far, keep up the great work.

3)mom and grandma visiting? Funny! In a 'better you than me' sort of way.

4)Guess it could have been worse,,,,the LDM crew could have shown up on the same night as your mom and surely would have asked 'well what about her?"

Thanks for the laughs and the great read, as usual.

BD

12:11 PM  
Blogger Autumn Avery said...

I HATE when people "tease the dancer"... especially if the dancer's me. Throw that into another story if you could please... ITS MEAN TO DANGLE DOLLARS AT US!! If the guy takes it back from me, i stop dancing at the end of the stage for him. I move my attention onto another guy, or I just go dance at the pole. They get the point.

2:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tease the dancer? More like tease the customer. Look but you cant touch... A strip club is the perfect place to go when you want to get teased. Stop complaining, you work at a strip club.

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe you don't encounter this type of bad acting every night

After all you work in a strip club. It seems like an honest enough living but Would recommend a job less objectiving and demeaning I think you may have to take a pay cut but I bet it would be worth it.

Good luck waitress!

9:52 AM  

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