Thursday, September 14, 2006

The Freaks Come Out at Night

Part Three

As I'm heading up to the bar to recount the previous drama to my bartenders and waitress, my boss stops me.

"Hey," he said, pointing at the three guys at stage one-- the same three involved, albeit inadvertently, in Micah's drama. "See the guy in the middle there? He's cut off, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. No problem."

Ryan jerks his thumb behind him, in the direction of the other bartenders. "I already told them, I just wanted to make sure you knew about it."

"Ok, I'll keep an eye out."

At this point in time, I feel like sleeping woman walking. It's approximately 3:30 in the morning, which means I've been awake and functioning for 22 hours. All I'm hoping for is a stress free end to the night, and maybe sneaking in a quick nap before last call.

About fifteen minutes goes by when I hear my DJ call out for "Pierce", one of the floor guys, and my boss. My ears perk up, as best they can considering the circumstances, and I see the two men making a b-line for the three guys at stage one. I pull up a chair at the bar, watching the festivities.

My boss walks back to the bar, carrying a full pitcher of beer and two full glasses. Behind him, I see the guy who was cut off and his friends standing up and glaring around the bar, menacingly. Soon, a small crowd is gathered while Pierce and my boss attempt to escort these guys out of the bar. After what seems like a heated discussion, the "gentlemen" leave the bar.

"Conflict averted," I think to myself. My mind starts to drift and I'm aware of how much the men that work here have matured since we first opened. If that would have happened two years ago, you can bet there would be a fight.

Suddenly, my neck jerks up and I realize that I have fallen asleep at the bar. Not wanting to make a spectacle of myself, I decide to take a comfortable chair in a quiet corner. Soon, I'm starting to drift, when I hear:

"Wooooooooooo! Weooooeeeeeoooooooo! HeeeeYaaaaaa! Whoooooohoooooo!!!"

I pick my head up from my hands and attempt to search out the cause of the affronting noise. It's coming from a rather large man in a red t-shirt sitting at stage one. I hoist myself out of my chair and walk to the bar.

"Savannah," I say, to my bartender. "See that guy sitting at stage one?" Savannah nods in affirmation. "He's cut the fuck off!"

Around that time my DJ says the sweetest words I ever heard.

"Last call! Last call for alcohol! If you have any tabs at the bar, please close them. Last game on the pool tables, and remember, this is your last chance to get a lap dance!"

"Oh thank God," I mutter to myself, under my breath. I resume my position in the low chairs, this time pushing two of them together and curling into a ball in the middle. The lights soon come on.

Suddenly, I am awoken by screaming coming from the dressing room. I pick my head up from the chair and one of my dancers frantically comes rushing out.

"There's a GUY in the dressing room!!! There's a dude in here!!"

Like a blur, Pierce, my DJ, and my boss run to the back. I hear doors slamming, and someone yells.

"What the FUCK did you think you were doing in my dressing room?" My DJ's voice is loud, reverberating through the empty club.

I look up in time to see the same guy in the red shirt at stage one, the very one I cut off, stumbling out from the dressing room entrance.

"Uhh, I don't know?" He slur's the words, attempting to catch his balance from being flung out of the room.

"You don't know? You don't know!?!? How the fuck do you not know!" My DJ is right behind him, screaming at him as he's walking to the door.

"Uhh, I thought it was the exit?"

"The motherfucking exit has the big ass sign that says 'exit' in glowing neon! That door has a sign that says 'dressing room' you fucking retard." DJ is angry now, taunting the big man.

"Um, my bad dude," is this drunk man's reply.

"Your bad. Your FUCKING bad!" DJ opens the door and grabs the guy around the neck. "I tell you what, motherfucker, if I ever see you in this bar again, I'm going to drop you like a bitch and fuck you in the ass." At the same time, DJ literally throws the guy out the front door and slams it behind him.

The whole bar is silent, staring at the DJ. Pierce starts snickering. The next thing you know, the entire bar is rolling with laughter.

"Dude," Pierce says, clutching his stomach, "you just told him you were going to fuck him in the ass!"

"Damn right! And I will too, if I ever see that sorry fuck in here again."

I smile to myself as Boyfriend walks through the front door.

"Hey, did you know there's some drunk guy in the parking lot, yelling about ass sex?"

The laughter starts all over again.

Sometimes, the drama is worth it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's hysterical!

I'm really not picking on you, and I'm sure you needed some well earned sleep, but are they really okay with you curling up in some chairs in the corner? That's great, wish I could pull that off at work!

3:25 PM  
Blogger i'llnevertell! said...

we have more of a family type relationship rather than employer/employee. My boss's favorite phrase is "You don't work for me, you work WITH me" and it's true. That's why we've all worked together for years and years, and no one ever calls in or misses work. They know that when we're sick, or we're tired, we're really sick or really tired. I've slept in the back room on the couch many times, a few times overnight so I wouldn't drive home drunk. They're amazing people to work for

3:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lucky you! You deserve an understanding employer considering all the drama you deal with :-)

4:39 PM  
Anonymous Ms. K said...

Don't mind me as I sit her snickering over "Did you know there's some guy in the parking lot yelling about ass sex?"

I'm sure that there's just so much to see in a strip club....ahhh, people and their peccadilloes....

6:19 PM  
Blogger Pearl said...

BWAHAHAHA! That's brilliant!

1:47 AM  
Anonymous Kiz said...

Great story. Way to cap off a three-parter like that; I gotta say, I didn't expect it to end with the phrase "ass sex". K

2:00 PM  
Blogger Historical Wit said...

Freakin great. just stumbled on this blog and that is the funniest thing i have read in a while. thanks for the laugh

3:51 PM  
Anonymous Gypsy_Jo said...

LMFAO! ok, well worth the three day lead up! Dj's rock with some of the insta-whit needed in this industry.
I just may have to steal that "fuck u in the ass" comment...phukkin priceless!

DO NOT eat your spinach!


3:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh god my stomach hurts.. lmaooooooooo... I gotta borrow your DJ and bring him to my work to take care of a few things... hehe

5:45 PM  
Blogger Call me "L" said...

Yes, I laughed. Loved the ending too.

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Scott said...

Damn, Laffed my ass off.

6:26 AM  
Blogger i'llnevertell! said...

Well, I appreciate it!

3:42 PM  

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