Monday, October 23, 2006

Missed It By One Day

Part Four:

I put the twenty in Monique's shirt and searched for something to say.

"Umm," I stammered, "it's from Monica and Chris."

"That bitch just got in my face and screamed at me!" Monique was still shaking.

"Yeah, I saw that. What the fuck happened?"

"I don't fucking know," Monique sighed. "Purity and I were back there doing a double lap dance on Chris, when Monica started freaking the fuck out. Then Duke came back there and started yelling at me in front of customers, and that's when all that shit happened." She looked around the club. "I just don't know what's going on."

Just then, Duke approached.

"Monique," he yelled, "go to the dressing room. Now!"

Monique turned and headed to the dressing room and Duke followed shortly behind. I headed up to the bar to get a drink, God knows I needed one-- or four.

There was a guy about my age (from what I could tell) standing at the bar when I approached and I smiled and made random conversation. It turns out we go to the same school, and the chat quickly turned to majors and interests.

"I'm a criminology major," he said.

"That's impossible," I replied. "State U doesn't offer a criminology major."

"Yes they do," he insisted.

"No. No they don't. They have a criminology concentration, not a major. You have to be a sociology major and concentrate on criminology."

"Well, that's what I meant," he retorted. "But it doesn't really matter because when I graduate I'm going to law school."

"So am I," I responded.

"Oh yeah? Are you going to Central U's law school?"

"No, if I go to law school here it'll probably be Northwest U's program," I answered, downing a Jager Bomb.

"Why Northwest U? Central U's is ranked higher."

I sighed. Strike two, I thought to myself. "Actually that's not true. Central U's law school is in the top of the second tier of law schools. Northwest U is ranked in the top tier. It's in the bottom two-thirds, but it's in the top tier."

"Are you sure?" He raised his chin, looking down at me, puzzled.

"Yes. I am absolutely positive," I replied.

"Well," he said, "I'm going to have to look into that. Because women don't know what the hell they're talking about."

You've got to be kidding me, I thought, staring this poor excuse for a man down with a glare that could shake Mt. Everest.

"Hey," he said, emitting uncomfortable laughter, "I was just seeing if you had a sense of humor."

I turned from the bar and headed into the dressing room. I wanted to go hide in the bathroom and have a smoke without anyone talking to me. I was getting close to my wits end. I didn't get very far.

As soon as I entered the dressing room I could hear the screaming. Monique and Duke were still having it out, in a most loud way. Pierce and another dancer were standing on the sidelines, watching the festivities with pointed amusement. I turned on my heels and headed out of the dressing room, praying for a moments peace.

I had barely made it around the corner when Monique stormed out of the dressing room, followed quickly by Duke. Around the bar they stalked, each throwing remarks back to the other. Then they headed back into the dressing room, apparently for round two. Right behind them was CEO, who had called Elvis in to DJ so he could go sort out the inter-employee drama. Apparently he got it all straightened out because soon after, Duke headed out to the parking lot and Monique back on the floor.

"What the fuck is going on," Savannah asked, leaning on the bar while she smoked a cigarette.

"I don't even fucking want to know," I replied, in between rearranging my drinks on my tray. Suddenly I felt pressure on my left side.

There was a very drunk, very little Hispanic man on my left. For some reason, he wanted to be shoulder to shoulder with me, and I was in no mood for physical contact. I took a step to my right and Little Latino man leaned with me. I took another step, and he leaned further, knees never bending. I took one final step which put me right up against the person on my right, and Little Latino man was still attached to me at the shoulder. That was when I felt a hand reach into my back pocket where I kept my money.

I turned to my right, breaking the connection between me and the man on my right. I looked up at him, and it was crazy crackead man, Mr. Wannabe Ghetto Gangsta.

"What the fuck are you doing!?!" I yelled at him, accusation dripping in my tone.

"Uh, I don't know?" He replied, a slight smirk on his mouth, which was full of fake gold.

"You don't know?! You don't know!! I'll tell you what you don't know, asshole." I was cut off when I felt a presence behind me. Figuring it was a bouncer come to rescue me I spun-- and came face to face with Chad. My own personal rescue man.

That was when I realized I was in some twisted version of "The Wizard of Oz." I was sandwiched between the three of them, Leaning Latino Tin-Man, Ghetto Gangsta Scarecrow, Creepy Cowardly Lion, and me, unsure if I was Dorothy or the Wicked Witch. Instantly I was claustrophobic.

I pushed myself thru the three of them, no easy task mind you, and headed behind the bar. There I hid, whimpering.

Great, I thought to myself, I'm fucking Toto.

Luckily, I didn't have to hide for too long. Boyfriend walked in a few minutes later, and I immediately ran to hide on him. I turned the corner of the bar to join him, but someone had beat me to it.

There, sitting next to my boyfriend, attempting to strike up a conversation, was none other than Crazy Crackhead man. And not far behind him? Chad.

"Jesus CHRIST when is this going to stop!" I screamed, turning for the bar as boyfriend shot me a look of confusion.

"Hey, Waitress, you ok?" Chad asked, blocking my path to the bar.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" I dodged him, heading up to the bar when someone punched me in the ass. Yes, punched me. In the ass.

It was our Little Latino Tin-Man friend. I'm not sure if he was attempting to grab my ass, or just over swinging his tiny drunk arms, but I didn't care by that point.

I turned around to head outside when I was stopped by Toby, a guy that used to work for us as a DJ, before he got fired for being a complete tool.

"Hey, waitress," he said, "hook me up with a Bud Light."

I just looked at him.

"Ok, then put it on CEO's tab," he said, trying to look pitiful.

"Look Toby, I am not in the mood for your shit right now, and I'm not going to get you a fucking beer, Ok? You want one, go fucking get one, but leave me the hell alone!"

Crazy Crackhead and Chad were no longer sitting by my boyfriend so I headed over to his table, crawling in his lap and burying my head in his neck.

"Get me out of here," I moaned, muffling my sounds in his stubble. "I am throwing up drama!"

"What happened, honey?"

I started to tell him but then stopped.

"Fuck it," I said, "read my blog."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yay! Now I know the whole story.

So, did Boyfriend read it?

2:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Argh that sucks. :( Sounds like you had a bad day. If someone had punched my butt my foot would be flying high ur their butt or a nice kick to the crotch. Love your blog. Hope you're doing okay now. Take care.

2:31 PM  
Anonymous stephen said...

Ha! loved the last line. I find myself saying that to everyone now.

"I don't know want to get into it now. If you really want to know, go read about it in a couple of days..."

Or some variation thereof.

That was a tough night. Spreading it out over several installments I almost forgot that it all happened in one evening. But we all know, great drama, makes for great stories!

Thanks for sharing.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Lala said...

Thanks for sharing your eventful night. It made me reevaluate how upset I was about my evening! :)

4:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"... and me, unsure if I was Dorothy or the Wicked Witch...Great, I thought to myself, I'm fucking Toto."


I love your blog, sorry to hear you had such a bad night, but you kept me interested through it.

6:18 PM  
Blogger SkippyMom said...

"I am throwing up drama."

O.M.G. I wish I had had that with the tweedles....that is absolutely THE BEST line of the night!

I am sorry for your pain, and I can feel it...I get why this is in parts....

Thank you for sharing and bravo to boyfriend - I love it. "Fuck it, read my blog."

Oh and the punch in the ass and trying to pickpocket you - limbless...that's all I can say...limbless.

You rock Waitress, hang in there and we will go out for a bottle [or 3] of Shiraz, on me, in the near future.

Hugs! Skip

7:09 PM  
Blogger Semi-Celibate Man said...

Not only is this a fascinating story and an awesome blog, but I've got to start reading more waitress/waiter blogs!

7:46 PM  
Blogger Thy said...

i'm sorry. i truly am.

but you are hilarious.

hm. you have better self control than me. If anyone tried to steal my money or punch me in the ass,

i'd pretend i weren't buddhist for a couple minutes and pull out the ninja stars.

hope you dont have too many of those days.

8:39 PM  
Anonymous Gypsy_Jo said...



never lettem see ya sweat ;)


8:52 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I haven't laughed this hard while feeling abject empathy and pity for someone in a long time.

I hope, when you were crying in the shower, that a few little giggles managed to slip through. And if not, I hope that you're able to read back on the night and laugh. I mean, the Little Latino? "Swinging his tiny drunk arms?" Yes. Very much yes.

9:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there: wow, what a wierd experience.
All you needed was the winged monkeys! [from Oz].

FYI: umm that towel pic of "semi-celebate man" on this comment thread fits right in with the Alice-In -Wonderland scenario you wrote about ... yikes.

9:23 PM  
Blogger Marni said...

Eeek... I don't think I could have handled all of that. I, too, would have crawled into my boyfriend's lap. Then he would have carried me out of there Officer and a Gentleman style!

9:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You had me up until the last line - and it was so lame that I won't ever read your blog again.

7:00 AM  
Anonymous Kiz said...

That was great... Well, I feel bad, but at least it -did- make for a great story at the end of it all.

There must've been at least a few occasions in there where you weren't sure if you were in a nightmare... K

8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry you had such a crappy night, but it made for a great story!

I gotta say, I LOVE you for putting that guy in his place on the major v. concentration conversation! I'm the girl w/ the Master's in Higher Ed, currently work at a state school as an academic advisor. Drives me CRAZY when I have SENIORS come in who don't understand that a degree, major & concentration are all different things. Seriously, how could you spend 4 years (or more) working towards something and not even know the terminology of what you're working towards?

11:21 AM  
Blogger Ryann said...

hahahahaha strip clubs are crazy. that's just a fact. Oiy! what a night girl.

but just think of how well-rounded and experienced you'll be on your law application. hahahaha

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a four parter for this????


10:04 PM  
Blogger i'llnevertell! said...

yeah. you do my job for a night like this and let's see what you have to say after that.

maybe next time you'll have something better to say than "lame".

oooooh. that hurt. *sniff sniff*

10:16 PM  
Blogger i'llnevertell! said...

again, i must post the question why, when people have something not nice to say about my blog they feel the need to post "anonymous"?

i would have more respect for them if they would grow some balls and name themselves (or their blog).

btw: remember that I do have a tracking meter on this blog, and I do know where you're from.

I feel like saying "big brother is watching you" but maybe it speaks for itself?

10:25 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

Go with Haloscan. They track each comment by IP. That way you can know EXACTLY where they come from. =)

5:59 PM  
Blogger Evil Spock said...

Great blog! One question: What happened between Monique and Duke?

11:33 PM  
Blogger redcap said...

Oh, poor chook. What a crappy night!

6:11 AM  
Blogger Sondra said...

Waitress, your writing is so awesome. I thoroughly enjoyed this entry, laughed my ass off, especially the way you describe being "punched" in the ass. Please keep writing!

10:56 PM  

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