Wednesday, December 27, 2006

My Cousin Vinnie

Pierce and Ellen wanted off on Thursday to go see a concert, so I begrudgingly agreed to bartend that night. Had I known that Pierce was going to propose to Ellen that night (yes, can we have a collective "aww" now? Ok, great.) I wouldn't have minded so much.

See, I don't bartend anymore. I love bartending, I really do, but the good money in a strip club is out on the floor. In a regular bar/nightclub, people like to walk around, and usually get their drinks directly from the bar. Most men in a titty bar like to sit at the tables, either in a quasi-hypnotic state staring at the stages, or surrounded by dancers who are willing to get drunk on their dime. If I want to make the big bucks, I need to be where the people are.

Damn, I digress a lot.

The good thing about being stuck behind the bar on Thursday was my ability to observe the entire club. That, and flip bottles. I dabble a little in the bar flair; I like to call it "bored bartending," but I did work at TGI Fridays if that's any excuse.

Elvis was playing "Funky Cold Medina" and I was really getting into it, throwing the bottle behind my shoulders, over my head, etcetera etcetera. I noticed a gentleman walking towards the bar so I put the bottle down. He was short, thin build, wearing a black leather trench coat and had long dark hair pulled back into a ponytail.

"Hey bartender," he said, with a heavy Queens accent that made "bartender" sound like "bahhtendah." "How often are you in New York?"

"Um," I replied, "slim to none, but I'm thinking of going to graduate school up there."

"Well, if you ever do, you gotta job," he said, sitting down in a barstool. "I don't wanna get kicked out of here or nothin', but I own a strip club in New York, you may have heard of it."

He rattled off the name of the club that he owns, and yes, I have heard of it, but for the sake of anonymity, I'll keep it to myself.

I held my hand out across the bar to introduce myself.

"I'm Nicky (insert heavy Italian last name here). You may have heard of my 'family.'"

"Um, no?" I replied.

"Well," he countered, "have you ever heard of the Gambino's? You know, the Mafia?"

"Sure," I said, a little skeptically.

"Well, I work for them, if you know what I mean," he said, winking.

This is where I decided that he was full of shit. I'm no expert on the subject, everything I know about the Mafia is derived from avid viewing of Soprano's, but one thing I'm pretty sure of, if you're actually in the Mafia, you don't go announcing it to random strangers in the bar. I'm almost positive that people in the Mafia try to pretend like the Mafia doesn't exist.

"What the hell," I thought, "I'll play along with this guy."

He went on to tell me about his bar.

"It's a classy joint," he continued, "so you'll be wearing an evening gown."

I gave him a look. "You expect me to bartend in an evening gown?" I don't see how that's possible, honestly, with all the bending and lifting and, well, movement that goes along with bartending.

"It's either that or lingerie. Like I said, it's a classy joint. When you get there, ask for Big Fat Paulie or Louie. They'll call me, because I'm not usually there. I have to handle a lot of things for the Gambino's, if you know what I mean." Again with the wink.

"Yeah right," I thought to myself. I can just see my innocent southern ass walking into a titty bar that's a supposed front for the Mafia and asking for "Big Fat Paulie" at the front door. I'll probably get shot.

It was about that time that Raymond walked in the bar. In case you have forgotten, Raymond stands about six four, and is a very large Italian man. Little Nicky picked him out immediately.

"Hey," he asked, pointing to Raymond, "how do I know that guy?"

This is where I decided to be a bitch and screw with this guy.

"Oh him?" I responded, nonchalantly, "he runs most of the bars in this town."

"Yeah," Nicky replied, "but how do I know him?"

"Well," I said, whispering, "his family is from New York."

This is, in fact, true; however, not in the sense that I was allowing this asshole to think. Raymond spent a few years of his childhood in New York, so I wasn't really lying.

"Oooh," Nicky replied. "What's his name?"

"Raymond," I responded.

"No, his last name."

I leaned in, as if I was giving away trade secrets. I glanced to my left, then to my right, and put my hands on either side of my mouth.

"Ministroni," I responded.

"That's it!" Nicky exclaimed excitedly, slapping his hands on the bar. "That's how I know that guy, I know his family."

I gave him a wink and a nod to let him know he was in on a big trade secret. In all honesty, I could have said any Italian name I pleased and he would have reacted in the same manner.

I went back to the business of bartending, but not before Nicky had called Raymond over and was rattling off a list of Italian names that he was "sure" Raymond knew.

"What about Joey G?" He said, earnestly. "You know, Joey Gambino?"

"Um, no," Raymond replied.

"Big Fat Paulie? Come on, you have to know Big Fat Paulie?"

"Sorry?" Raymond was getting irritated by this point.

"Oh," Nicky replied, "well, I'm sure you know someone. I just have to think about it some more."

Nicky left shortly after, but not before giving me his number and making me promise to call him in the next few weeks so we could "get together and talk about working, you know, maybe have a nice dinner or something."

I told Boyfriend about it when I got home that evening.

"You know he just wanted to fuck you," Boyfriend replied, once he could stop laughing.

"Yeah," I responded, "I know. Sometimes I wish they would just be honest and say 'hey, let's have sex.' I could at least respect that."

Monday, December 18, 2006

Previously on Naked Women and Beer

When we last left our poor, harrowed Waitress (read: me), her skin had began to develop a slight bluish hue, no doubt due to the fact that she lived and breathed in front of her computer screen, pouring over article after article, meticulously learning the slight differences in ASA format and APA format (p.s. it's all in the colon placement) and had started to develop a slight tic in her right eye which, unbeknownst to her, would continue on for the remainder of the semester and cause her to have vicious thoughts of jamming the blunt end of a screwdriver into it.

Meanwhile, back at the titty bar, Esmerelda, post-argument with Duke, stormed out on a Saturday night, leaving even more stress for our poor heroine to deal with. Queenie took over her section, and Raymond hired the girl that worked at the 24 hour gas station "Fog," to take over as hostess.

Owner is opening a new bar in the Southern region of our state, so Raymond and Pierce spend their weeks driving back and fourth (eight hours, round trip) and their weekends trying not to fall asleep standing up. Meanwhile, Pierce and Ellen are saving up to purchase a home, and the word is that Champ and Queenie will be engaged before the year is up.

Mercury, the planet, not the dancer, has taken up home in Sagittarius, which promises anger, strife, and miscommunication. As if to prove my point, Miranda beat the crap out of a new girl in the dressing room (so new, in fact, that I don't even need to come up with a fake name for her), Dawn is taking a leave of absence, and every time I turn around we're kicking someone else out or breaking up another bar fight.

Waitress and Boyfriend almost split up; not for any good reason, mind you, but Waitress is crazy, and even more so when she's tired and/or stressed out. Luckily, Boyfriend is quite the understanding man, and has learned that it is much easier to just nod and smile.

As if this weren't bad enough, our tired and stressed out Waitress read in her Cognitive Psych book that the more instances of REM sleep you get in between study sessions, the more your brain encodes the information and the easier it is to recall later. She then gets the bright idea, since she doesn't have a lot of time to study, to sleep for four hours, study for four hours. Sleep for four hours, then study for four hours. The result? She misspelled her last name on the scantron of her last final. You see, Waitresses last name is composed of two small words put together, much like "Coachmain" or "Armstrong." When filling out the scantron (i.e. bubble sheets) it requested that Waitress bubble her last name first, followed by her first name. Waitress, instead of bubbling "Glassman," brilliantly bubbled in "Manglass."

And when it was all said and done, she was left with five A's and one B (in Cognitive Psychology). She now vows to never again attempt 21 hours in one semester.

Thank you all for being so patient these last few weeks. I have so much to catch you up on!


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Tag You're It!

I was tagged today. I didn't even know what tag was until a few minutes ago, but my awesome girl at After Hours tagged me.

How to Play:

Whomever is tagged reveals five things about themselves that few people know. Then they tag five other bloggers to play. There is no deep purpose to it.

My Five Things:

1. I once sang backup for Shania Twain. As cool as that may sound, it was really a big let down. We had to stay in this tiny room in the back for the whole show and she didn't even say "hi" or anything. Also, she's a lot shorter in real life and her hair is fake.

2. I have been arrested. :) Not for what you might think, either. Maybe I'll tell you all about it one day.

3. I have a tattoo of a treble clef in a hidden spot.

4. When I'm really tired or stressed out, I have panic attacks about the stupidest things. Once I was driving home and started freaking out beacuse my car keys weren't in my purse. Think about it.

5. I danced. Once. And by once, I don't mean one night or one specific point in time, I mean once. One song, shower show, $500. That was a loooong time ago, though.

Now, I'm supposed to tag other bloggers; five of them, but I really want to know about my readers. I guess I'm cheating a little, so I'll tag a few bloggers.

The Insane Waiter
Boun Appitito
Wide Lawns
Skippy Mom
Barista Brat

Ok, your turn. Tag, you're it!


Monday, December 04, 2006

Throw Me A Lifeboat

I'm still here.

I miss you guys :)

I turned in my last paper today, thank God. All in all, I've written over 60 pages of papers this semester. Finals are next week, so I'm getting through it as best as I can.

See you all next week!

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